I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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