Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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