I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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