I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
