Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
