her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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