nut hugger
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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