obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
this will be a night to untag.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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