i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
