I just cut my nipple shaving
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
