I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
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Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
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I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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