He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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