I feel great
I just peed on a car
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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