My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
