I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
