Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
