WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
