I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
