i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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