I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
