My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
