I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
