i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
