update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
