i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
