have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
