I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
