what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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