Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
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