Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
