Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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