Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
