Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
