I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
