Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
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