How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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