He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
