he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
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