I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
