Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
