i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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