You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
