You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
