Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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