Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
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she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
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I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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