The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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