here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
