Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
