Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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