Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
