Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
