my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
