i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
