eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
