Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
