So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
