What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
