I can't watch pbs sober anymore
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
