I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
