For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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