Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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